Really hard.

I’m a 22 years old girl with no obligations other than work 8 hours a day and live my life for the rest of it and almost every day I get sad with the prospect that I’m not being good enough and I’m not doing enough in my internship. If you felt it before you know how bad and incapacitating this feeling is and that’s why, lately, I’m trying to vanish this thought of my head every time it appears to bug me.

I didn’t know anything about the topic of my internship one month before I applied to it so everyday while I’m working I learn a bunch of new things and I’m mostly bad at all of them. It’s really hard to accept that you’re new at something and your progress isn’t going to be as fast or as big as the Sr. engineer that’s working by your side. It’s really hard to value your victories and not feel like you’re a fraud when your victories are small and you struggle during hours to learn one concept or how to do this one thing right.

But I try to think how far I’ve gone since I began to study about the topics I’m working today and how much I put an effort on the things I do and I feel a little better. Instead of repeating to myself I’m not good enough I try to look for signs that the people who work with me give me saying that I’m doing a good job. And also learning about other’s people experience that are similar to mine help me not to feel alone and help me to question myself: if this woman that is so capable and smart is struggling with the same kind of things that I’m maybe I’m not so bad, maybe we’re just being victims of imposter syndrome and expecting too much from ourselves.

It’s a small blog post to thank the wonderful women that I met on Outreachy and say how much I admire them and appreciate the fact that they’re so open about their experiences. You helped me a lot. Hope I can help someone with this post too.

Love,

Mariana